Winter And Love



Like snowflakes, slowly falling one by one at night,
And then suddenly all you can see have been turned magically into white,
I fell in love with you.
One moment at a time.
One heartbeat skipped at a moment.
One drop of blood, rushing in my vein
At every vain attempt to push you away and getting closer,
Like every moth in the ashes of a fire
I loved you.
Oh my god, I can’t even fake it can I?
Winter in kolkata is as romantic as heavy rain in the office hour.
It has the potential to be romantic, but comes with it’s share of mud.
You will think winter will make you two cuddle like newbie puppies and their mother,
But there will always be one who will not get their equal share in the blanket that covers.
One of you will be sleeping like a baby and another will have orgasm thinking about a thermostat because his/her duvet is getting
Quadriple lesser
No blanket at all.
Winter is God’s way of putting your relationship through a series of anger management tests
Like when he’ll forget to put the lights off
Or when you’ll see the other struggling between personal hygiene or cold cough
Or when you’ll see them wearing the underwear inside out.
Cause in this cold it’s not even worth being inside you and out.
You’ll think of amputation for your better half when their cold feet constantly touches your feet
Constantly touches your feet
Constantly touches your feet
But then you’ll remember when they carried you to the bed with the extra weight you put on because they made you a hot chocolate at midnight cause you’re feeling like shit and depressed and half dead,
cause sleeping on the couch gives your shoulders a really bad ache
And you’ll both cancel plans because nothing sounds more important than binge watching Netflix and telling your other half that why you love dearth vader more than luke walker
Cause you both have nothing to do. Cause you don’t wanna having anything to do
So you explore each other, with each hour with a big glass of coffee so you can stay up late.
I know the theme is kolkata’s winter and love
I don’t think it’s a romantic love
It’s a silent progress
Like time passing by and making you age slowly with one wrinkle
Under your eye
Over your palms
Under your keens
But it doesn’t keep you from loving the present and waiting for the future.
Love in winter is crazy, so I’ll let you couple, cute as couplets, alone, out to figure.


SMART Gadgets, Unlike Ourselves

Hello Fellow Mortals,

I am a 90s kid, so I literally lived through the supposed stone age of our culture where a simple cellular phone was considered a luxury to seeing a bus driver talking in a $185 phone which is worth half my mother’s salary. As I grew up, I saw computers taking over human beings. Nowadays, we’re not just confined within only our phones smart, but everything around us from tv to fridge, except ourselves.

Now, I was pretty okay with smartphones, because it gave a mindboggling solution to the problems like who/what would I stare at to pretend I am busy so I can avoid human contact, or how to sustain friendship without meeting people etc. But I just couldn’t ignore the heap of absurd thoughts that goes into the making of these smart appliances. First of all, it fucking kicks your ego in the crotch . Because, supposing you can afford all these things, their combined IQ is greater than your whole family’s IQ combined. Also who is that one fucker going shit I have to go to the bathroom for 5 minutes, I can miss important facebook notifications like “Prakash jha is scratching his bum with you and 64 other people” or whatsapp messages like ” Forward this picture of God to 10 other people for passing the exam“, so I will buy this ridiculously expensive smartwatch to keep track. And even if we’ve the best technologies to ourselves, we’re not fucking going to use it to uplift mankind. Here’s an example – These are the questions that were asked to Siri , the AI that comes with a $925 Rs phone :

So you see, no matter how smart it is, it ain’t gonna cut it if you’re not smart enough to know how to use it for better. Still don’t get it? Let me try this – We people are SO FUCKING DUMB that scientists have to made gadgets like Quirky Egg Reminder so you can connect your fucking egg tray to your smartphone. First of all , the only egg tray you should keep a track of is the one in your ovaries. If that’s not enough there’s a gadget called Hidrate Spark which is basically a fancy name for smart water bottle , which reminds you to drink water just for $55, only . I have a way smarter and cheaper gadget than that, it’s called MY MOM.

So for fucks sake, stop giving these guys a shitload of money for things you can easily live by without any harm. Also don’t use smart baby gadgets like Hatch Baby Smart Changing Pad, because if there’s even a slightest chance of being overruled by robots, surrounding your baby with it isn’t the smartest choice you’re making.

Bullying Vegan Memes

Hello Fellow Mortals,

Some of you mortals amuse me. When india started Beef ban people were like but food should be an individual choice no? It’s a violation of democracy. Now these days the whole internet is crammed up with vegan meme. You think that’s cool? okay. Give me 5 minutes and I will make you regret that. And yeah it’s okay if you can’t perform that long. I kinda anticipated.


SOOOOOOOO, you think taking a chicken leg in front of a vegan and saying paneer samajh ke kha ja ( Eat it as if it’s paneer) is cool? What if I take you to one of the places in china where they fry warms and cockroaches , which are the locals say, tasty, and tell you to eat them thinking like it’s chicken. Let’s forget china , let’s go to Hong kong . You know what they are famous for right? Snake meat? and I am sure you can eat them thinking of it as CHICKEN.


There are lot’s of memes saying vegans can’t be human beings cause they didn’t taste this dish or that dish in their lifetime? Seriously bro, then at the age of 30 you shouldn’t be living cause bill gates was playing at least in millions back then , probably more. You’re saying vegan’s are burden on earth? Of course they are . they should have succumbed to cannibalism and eat all you trollers way back but look at these fuckers living their life without harming anyone. such a shame.


In conclusion, get a life.

Fuck New Year

Hello Fello Mortals,

Today is new year, The day of new hope, sunshine , smiles, roses, lilies and full of a pot of shit. That’s right . what are you going to do celebrating this one fucking day of the fucking year anyway ? So you can complain how horrible it was the next year? I tell you what, this time keep a bottle of lube and candles handy so atleast it will be romantic while you get fucked by the rest of the year.


The only thing good about this is gifts that most people don’t get you. Instead what they do ? They send Ecards. Why the fuck you’ll send someone you love ecards? so you can burn their memory one gif at a time? The only silver lining is my phone vibrates so much because of these notifications I can give myself a solid 5 minute orgasm with that. Then there’s this shit called handmade cards. Now no matter how shitty it looks you have to say it’s awesome and how you’re touched in your ovaries ( Because woman have maternal instincts even when they pee) and the worst part is like ecards you can’t even delete them. you have to keep them as a memory ,rather as an evidence to show them YOU FREAKING CARE. At this point I will even have apsara pencil gift wrapped.


Now comes new year resolutions. Really What made you think you’ll be able to quit smoking at the first day of 2016 when you have ended cartons of Navy cut in 6 days for the past 12 months. Why? You think Jesus will come and turn your water into wine so you’ll become an alcoholic instead of a smoker? what is so special about new years huh? Most people’s finals are coming and they are out partying not knowing if they don’t have a D cup boob they are not gonna get by themselves. It’s freezing cold outside so whatever fancy dress you bought at sale for $200 ain’t gonna show over your trench coat supposing after buying that dress you’ll have money left for a fancy trench coat.  I am a blogger and the my last blog of 2017 got 1 like and 2 views including my boyfriend’s views to whom I send the link twice. For those who thinks being a writer is a romantic job, hold my beer.


And BUddy what are you celebrating . The years are passing by. Soon the years will go by like woosh and you’ll be in your catheters and your skin will have ugly wrinkles as you go one step at a time near to death. think about it.


So just go fuck yourself , I mean masturbate and go to sleep.

What Words Are Really Worth To A Writer Like Me

Hello Fellow Mortals,

I am a legitimate writer. The one who gets paid for and really passionate about writing ( 20 years and counting ) not the poetic frenzy you see on facebook these days. So what does words mean to me : No matter how much powerful they are , no matter if there’s a poet who’s name is Wordsworth , at the end of the day words are worthless.


Imagine the perfect situation. Either utopiac or dystopiac. either way, it has to be perfect. I will give you 3 seconds to think about the situation. Now take a pen or pad and try to write it down. You can take an hour, a day holy fuck what the hell your whole life but here for the experiment’s sake let’s say an hour. scratch every book and every surface of goodreads and brainy quotes, go wild in your imagination, one eye fixed on dictionary another on thesaurus ( I am not saying you’re illiterate or less educated. It’s just that in philology we were taught synonyms are not really synonyms. All those words may succeed to communicate what you’re trying to say but for a person with deeper sensibilities , every synonymous word has a thin layer of difference which makes using it more worthwhile) , do everything. What do you have? I bet 99% of you made an ass of yourself and for the rest 1% , they are already feeling the shadow that has fallen between their vision and their creation. We, humans , as the most civilized animal on earth truly found one form of communication that’ll express everything you want the important other one to understand- silence.


I as a writer write a lot of wishes with trickery of words when the festivals come and I know which word I will use against the person sitting next to me that’ll manipulate him/her.With exception of 4 people in the world I fooled everyone into believing I have emotions. I don’t mean anything yet they are precious to them while someone is trying to wish everyone a genuine load of happiness is crap because he/she is being cheesy or got caught by the grammar police. Why? Why people forgot to see the emotion behind the expression. Is that maybe because we never lift our eyes from any kind of screen and at some point of time we forgot what facial expressions and verbal connotations feel like, we forgot faces, we think everyone is an emoji laughing, crying , or blowing their kisses when they send them.


There is a lot of meme about having a straight face while sending LOL. But why they are sending it? because they know in MOST cases the other person would believe they are laughing if not out loud. I don’t think I am the weird one and I need to open up. People are so skilled at hiding their true faces I don’t know what to do with my genetic one.


Recently I joined counseling and I realized why people hide more than they open up. To quote Sylvia plath ”

And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.


Do I love words ? Yes , otherwise I wouldn’t have devoted so much of my time to maintain a blog. Are they enough? No. Then why are you a writer? because no one is going to write what I need to read , so I have to write it myself, take the keyboard and bleed. Because when “We write to taste life twice, in the moment and in retrospect”.


How Love Changed My Life And I Didn’t Seem To Mind

Notice, how I didn’t say we both changed each other’s life. Maybe I did change his life a little bit too . But it’s always safe and necessary to not anticipate other’s point of view and rather express your own.

When 1st Love entered my life I was struggling to understand it. People around me were doing things, talking a lot about lots, being crazy, should I also be like them or just come home at the end of the day and sleep under my blanket dreaming about that other world. I always knew a wonderful world with a key named knowledge but what I didn’t know was knowledge doesn’t mean cramming all the maths differential equation in your textbook. It cannot be forced,cannot be fed. You really have to have a hunger for it and slowly, but steadily it will come to you.


When 1st Love came to my life I was a completely different person. I had those big goggles not because of power problems but because of peer pressure. I wanted to fit in. SO much. Only if I knew I was supposed to be an outcast for the rest of my life I really should have saved the trouble for myself. I was reading Tagore and Camus but I didn’t understand their importance. I didn’t know what to read , how to read, when to listen , how to listen. I listened to beethoven but I secretly played Taylor Swift 32 times in a row until love finally came and make me understood if you want to fit in , stop trying. He felt I was perfect in my imperfection. He thought me not knowing the states properly was cute( geography is my arch enemy) . He still haven’t given up though. He was like a prophet to me. He didn’t tell me what to do and what not. He just showed me the way, told me what was right and wrong and let me choose for myself.


Later I started suffering from depression and lots of other things ( still going on) . But in those years I realized how worthless is the effort to try to impress someone by pretending to be something else entirely. Because in this generation , people are so fake they forgot who they are , what their real faces are. When they look into the mirror, which they have to once the time comes, the shudder in horror to see what have become of them. That’s why in our and many other country depression and many other mental illness is known as very common case.


When I first came home from the asylum I cried at a tagore song

Intense and innumerable are my desires, not fulfilling them, you save me.
This cruel kindness is a treasure of my life.
Without asking, you have gifted me this sky, light, body, heart and soul.
Day by day you make me eligible for these great gifts of yours,
By saving me from the perils of too many desires.

When i was awake at 2 am Moonlight sonata gave me tears of aching heartbreak and that was healed at the sunrise with Leonard Cohen’s suzanne

And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her
Then he gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer that you’ve always been her lover
And you want to travel with her, and you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you’ve touched her perfect body with your mind
and little by little, with time what I know came to me because I placed the welcome mat with love. Because I was suffering from loneliness my mind wanted to grasp whatever it could find to fill the gap and that’s when I realised why physical illness always falls short in front of mental illness; whatever void you’re creating outside can be repaired but how will you mend the void inside that won’t appear in any X rays or MRIs or USGs.
And this all happened because love was there to guide me . To tell me to be meek and mild because like power knowledge is when we have every justification to make a parade of it but we don’t. It’s for our self. Self. Self. Self. Find the self. Don’t try to be somebody cause even if the greatest actor have to pretend to be someone they are not 24×7 they will kill themselves.

Sanity Is Slipping Away From ME

Do you know the myth of Sisyphus where he has to roll a giant rock on top of the mountain and when the rock is about to touch the tip it falls again. And clearly Sisyphus has to start again. Now why he is doing this ? it’s a punishment of hope that if he can reach the top with the rock he will be free ( Correct me if I am wrong in the comment section). There’s a brilliant book of Albert Camus on the Myth of Sisyphus where he says he is an absurd hero, he shows a zeal for life , a scorn for the gods and loathing for the underworld.


Anyways, what we get from this rambling is futile labor is one of the utmost punishment. I sometimes identify myself with Sisyphus now. Like him I am climbing a mountain of life with a rock bigger than my size . I can’t give up the rock cause it contains my family , Love, Friend.( All in singularity is done intentionally) days pass and the rock is feeding from my energy as i am feeding from the rock too . But I am feeding more from the rock. This shouldn’t happen . We should be symbiotic. But no I am thinking about my parents, I am thinking about love , I am thinking about friend and all I have done so far is to physically and mentally harm them and blaming them for loving me too much(?) Now when I say it out loud It’s not a symbiotic relationship. I am a parasite. I live by sucking the last drop of energy of life from someone, my close ones.


Because I have a fear of abandonment I can’t leave the rock. Now i am at the top of the mountain and the rock starts rolling with the teardrops from my eyes. I know what is coming. I didn’t chose to leave everything behind,neither they chose to leave me. God just separated two elements which are only causing small explosive reactions out of my chemistry with all of them and God decided to make the sacrifice . One is better than a hundred. Because My depression is like a parasite, I carry it on with me wherever I go and no matter how much susceptible to feelings i am like Sisyphus I am alone in my journey. No , nobody is mean to me cause I am meaner. No nobody hurt me cause I hurt myself enough to make my own blood sprinkle all over my face. No, nobody unloved me when I least deserved love,  i pushed them away.


But I did this to all those who are surrounding me as well. My father asked me if I would please go back to the asylum cause they tried all and if this goes on they are , who brought life into the world , is thinking of taking their own and finally make it end. Friend doesn’t know what’s going on . She is busy and equally disturbed in her own world. Love forgets to give me time when I need the most. I can almost touch his concerns through the phone cause nobody really talked to me like that for a while. Last time I slipped and I wanted to die i couldn’t cause love wasn’t on phone. how can I go without saying goodbye? He saved my life more than I saved myself or any other creature.


But the ball is rolling downwards , something is wrong , I am all alone at the top of the cliff , I don’t want to jump but I just want to lie down and sleep in the position of the vitruvian man And when I wake up I want to see that ball by my side smiling so I can smile too and we both can see the sunrise together.